The truth behind the first Thanksgiving

If you live in the United States of America, today is Thanksgiving. It’s the day we Americans give thanks for all the wonderful things we have.

The Pilgrims celebrated the very first Thanksgiving. They had just defeated the indigenous Wampanoags in a bloody, horrific battle. The Pilgrims attacked the Wampanoag after they noticed delicious smells wafting from the Wampanoag village. Intrigued by the smells, the Pilgrims believed it was a sign from God. They believed God wanted them to kill every Wampanoag man, woman, and child.

The fighting was fierce. Like most North American indigenous peoples, the Wampanoags were armed with nothing more than bows and arrows, knives, clubs, and hatchets.

The blunderbusses, or as it’s more commonly referred to as the Pilgrim assault rifle.

The Pilgrims were armed with those dumb-looking blunderbusses guns with a huge horn at the end.

The Pilgrims surely would have lost if it wasn’t because the one true God protected them, Pilgrim Jesus™. The Wampanoags were godless heathens. Plus, the Wampanoags had no idea the Pilgrims even had ill feelings towards them. The Wampanoags thought the Pilgrims were their friends. It was the type of battle military historians would later describe as a sneak attack.

When the Pilgrims finished slaughtering off the Wampanoag people, they discovered the source of the delicious smells, the trappings of a feist.

Not to pass up free food, the Pilgrims gorged themselves on the Wampanoag food. They enjoyed roasted turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes with tiny marshmallows, and green bean casserole. For dessert, there was pumpkin pie.

The day marked the first Thanksgiving. It also marked the day type two diabetes was invented.

As soon as the Pilgrims were done eating, they realized they had a problem. Because the Wampanoag lacked a written language, the recipes for all that food died with the Wampanoag people. Over the years, scientists have worked diligently at duplicating the original Wampanoag recipes.

I think you’ll agree with me. They’ve got it pretty close.

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