‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’ tanked hard

Solo: A Star Wars Story came out in theaters on May 24 and the verdict is in: it tanked and it tanked hard. It made only $143 million worldwide on its opening weekend. For comparison’s sake, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story made $290 million worldwide on its global opening weekend.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story was a great movie.

How bad was Solo: A Star Wars Story?  Justice League, the most recent bad movie based on DC comics characters, made over $279 million on its global opening weekend. Justice League turned Aquaman into one of the bikers from Sons of Anarchy and it still did better than Solo.

Rotten Tomatoes, the movie review aggregation website, shows Solo: A Star Wars Story is currently at 70 percent. When I was in high school, 70 percent was a C minus. Believe me, it’s a grade I know a lot about. That sounds about right from what I’ve seen of Solo.

What the hell is pansexuality?

I wonder if Solo would have done better in theaters if the co-writer of the movie hadn’t announced a couple of days before its release that Lando Calrissian was pansexual. It couldn’t have helped.

I don’t plan on ever seeing Solo. I try to avoid things I know will make me angry. I’m not against seeing bad movies. Solo is different. I have an emotional connection to the Star Wars universe. I’m not the type of person who allows himself to become offended by the actions of others, but if I did, I think Solo would offend me.

And I’m not against hating things about Star Wars. I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with Star Wars. I’ve always loved Star Wars, but there have been things about it that I hated. I wouldn’t have cared, let along hated the things I’ve hated if I didn’t love the movie franchise.

Harrison Ford and Alden Ehrenreich.

Recasting the part of Han Solo just seems immoral to me. I have a difficult time separating Harrison Ford from the character he played. Han Solo is an iconic character, mostly because he was played by Harrison Ford. He breathed life into the character, making him at least to me the most beloved character in the Star Wars franchise. Recasting Han Solo, let alone with a talentless hack like Alden Ehrenreich, was unethical and immoral.

Not as immoral as pansexuality, but it’s close.

Lando Calrissian is not ‘pansexual’

Lando Calrissian is a fictional character created for the Star Wars universe by creator George Lucas, The Empire Strikes Back director Irvin Kershner and actor Billy Dee Williams. The character is being played by actor Donald Glover in the upcoming Solo: A Star Wars Story, a standalone movie that takes place before Star Wars: A New Hope.

According to one of that film’s co-writers, Jonathan Kasdan, Lando is “pansexual.” What does pansexual mean? It means possessing a sexual desire or attraction not limited to sex, gender, or what a person is pretending to be. Men, women, men pretending to be women, women pretending to be men, etc. If you are pansexual, it means you’ll have sex with anybody or anything.

Essentially, it’s bisexuality on crack cocaine.

It’s also total bullshit. If Lando Calrissian is supposed to represent a type of sexuality so obscure, it’s not even covered by the LBGTQ initialism, it should have been established back in 1980 when The Empire Strikes Back was released. It should have been introduced along with the character. To introduce it now, just so the hack co-writer can virtue signal how woke he is is ridiculous.

It didn’t happen back then. I would have remembered reading about it in Starlog magazine. Of course, I wouldn’t have known what pansexuality was. I would have had to ride my ten speed over to the public library and hope there was an entry for it in the World Book Encyclopedia.

I didn’t even know what pansexuality was now at the ripened age of 53. I had to look it up on Wikipedia. That’s how weird it is.

Jonathan Kasdan

Jonathan Kasdan is a hack for even suggesting Lando Calrissian, a character he did not create, is pansexual. He obviously wants to score points with the social justice crowd. He should do it with his own characters, characters he creates himself. Not enough diversity in the Star Wars universe? Fine. Create your own space opera and fill it with characters representing all sorts of sexuality. Do that and let’s see how popular it becomes.

Lando Calrissian has been a cultural icon for 38 years. Nobody, I don’t care who or what they are, gets to change that icon into something strange and weird. Being sexually attracted to everything or anything is weird. What’s next, will some other woke hack writer try to score points by retconning Admiral Ackbar into being a pedophile?

The late great Admiral Ackbar. May he rest in peace.

Not on my watch. I’ll write my congressman.

Don’t conflate my opinion with pansexuality with my opinion on homosexuality. The two opinions are vastly different. I actually think being attracted to the same sex is completely natural and normal for some people. It’s just as natural and normal as being attracted to the opposite sex for most people. It’s why I voted in support of same-sex marriage here in Maryland back when it was still up to the individual states. I was proud when it passed. The Supreme Court then made the whole thing moot when they ruled that gays and lesbians had a right to marry just like everyone else.  Or as I like to think of it, the government doesn’t have a right to deny marriage rights to gay and lesbian couples. It’s none of the government’s business.

I already wasn’t too keen on seeing Solo: A Star Wars Story. The actor playing Han Solo, Alden Ehrenreich, doesn’t look or sound anything like Harrison Ford. I know what a young Harrison Ford looks like. I know what a young Harrison Ford sounds like. Alden Ehrenreich playing Han Solo seems like a major mistake in casting.

A young Harrison Ford.

Finding out that Solo: A Star Wars Story is secretly retconning Lando Calrissian into some sort of sexual deviant makes me want to skip it entirely. The only reason I wanted to see it was to watch Donald Glover as Lando. He looked to have the part down in the trailers. Alden Ehrenreich? Not so much.

Alden Ehrenreich

Donald Glover is kind of a tiny fella and Billy Dee Williams is at least a six-footer. I figured either Glover could act taller or they could make him taller the way they made the Hobbits shorter in the Lord of the Rings movies.

Harrison Ford is tall. I don’t know if Alden Ehrenreich is tall or short because I’ve never seen him in anything. Mostly that’s because he hasn’t been in anything.

Harrison Ford was 35 years old when Star Wars: A New Hope came out in 1977. Alden Ehrenreich is 28 years old, making it a seven-year age difference. If the movie is supposed to be about a young Han Solo, I guess it depends on what you classify as young.

If you ask me, they already made a young Han Solo movie. It’s called Star Wars: A New Hope and it came out in 1977.