I’ll see you your Jesus hammer and raise you a Zeus knife

As far as weapons of the gods are concerned, everyone is familiar with Jesus’ hammer. As a former carpenter, Jesus knew how to swing a hammer. Upon hearing his battle cry, “Time to pound the wood,” most of his opponents would sinch up their robes and run for the hills. You know all about this if you’ve ever attended First Assembly of God Sunday School or Vacation Bible School.

What you probably didn’t know is that Zeus’ favorite hand weapon was a special knife, the Zeus knife. The good people at Think Geek have reproduced the Zeus knife out of stainless steel, just like the original Zeus knife. It can be yours for only $59.99.

I'll see you your Jesus hammer and raise you a Zeus knife - Bent Corner
The Zeus knife.

Check out these specs:

  • A ThinkGeek exclusive, custom designed for us
  • Wicked jagged blade inspired by the thunderbolt
  • Handle modeled on Doric columns
  • Comes with a leather sheath with a 2″ belt loop and a snap that features the great seal of the state of Oklahoma
  • (Greek for thunderbolt) laser engraved on the blade
  • Materials: Stainless steel
  • Dimensions:
    • Blade Length: 9 3/4″
    • Total Length: 15″
  • Weight: 1.9 lbs. unsheathed

I especially like how the leather sheath features the “great” seal of the state of Oklahoma. In other words, it’s highly authentic. I’ve been to Oklahoma. I found nothing great about it.

How does Zeus’ knife compare to Jesus’ hammer?

Reading the New Testament, it doesn’t appear Jesus ever squared off against Zeus. Then again, the New Testament is based on ancient Greek manuscripts, and Zeus was a Greek god. It’s completely possible the Greeks writing the original manuscripts left out the part about Jesus fighting Zeus, most likely because Jesus won and Zeus suffered a humiliating defeat. Remember, not only did Jesus know how to use a hammer, he also had the ability to heal himself. If you’ve ever played World of Warcraft, you realize what a massive benefit this was to our Lord and Saviour.

I plan on adding this knife to my collection of weapons of the gods. I already have a Jesus hammer, Buddha nunchucks, a Muhammad camel whip, and a replica Joseph Smith’s golden wife collector. It’s a contraption that was used by Smith to capture prospective wives. It looks much like the capture stick used on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom to capture gazelles, but it was made of gold and designed to capture 14-year-old girls.

That’s how Joseph Smith rolled.

I’ve always wanted to add something to my collection from Scientology’s L. Ron Hubbard. Unfortunately, he never used a hand weapon. I decided to acquire a replica of his toothbrush, but it turned out he never used one. Have you ever seen L. Ron Hubbard’s teeth?

I'll see you your Jesus hammer and raise you a Zeus knife - Bent Corner
L. Ron Hubbard

Not only are Scientologists against using depression and anxiety medications, but they must also be against using Crest Tartar Control toothpaste.

Boogie2988 craves empathy and sympathy from strangers

Steven Williams, the man who plays Boogie2988 on YouTube released yet another video where he complains and whines about all of his assorted problems, real or otherwise.

I’m still subscribed to his channel, but I stopped watching Boogie2988’s videos. They irritate me too much. This video caught my eye because of the title: Let’s talk about how I’m really doing (100% honest). He all but admits that he lies about almost everything. Why else would he feel the need to add the “100% honest” qualifier?

This is the video in question. I’m sure Steven would appreciate it if you watched it since the number of views for his videos has gotten so low, he’s been resorting to begging for views on Twitter.

From the 59 second mark:

Secondly, there’s a group of people who follow me who are always afraid that I’m playing the victim when I talk about the negative stuff. They’re always afraid I’m trying to invoke empathy and sympathy and certainly, I like all the empathy and sympathy I can get. I’m a human being and we all do want that stuff.

Wrong. Not all human beings want empathy and sympathy, especially from complete strangers. It’s not normal.

Listening to Steven go on and on about all of his assorted health problems, real or otherwise, has made me stop blogging about my own health issues. The last thing I want to do is make it look like I’m mining for empathy or sympathy from strangers. I almost died and I thought it was interesting. That’s why I was blogging about it. I stopped blogging about it, not because Jesus healed me, but because I don’t want to come off looking like an emotional vampire like Boogie2988 (government name Steven Williams).

The emotional vampire is the worst kind of vampire. A regular vampire will suck your blood and kill you. An emotional vampire will drain you of your emotional energy. Plus, regular vampires aren’t real. Emotional vampires are real.

Anyone who knows and/or loves me knows what I’m going through and what I’m about to go through, so there’s no reason to share it here. Unlike Boogie2988, I don’t want empathy and sympathy. Blogging about my health problems was never an attempt to garner sympathy.

People like Boogie2988 disgust me. Not neck bearded fat people, people who want the pity of strangers. I’d rather die than be one of those types of people.

Kevin Gausman throws first ‘Immaculate Inning’ of 2018

Kevin Gausman of the Baltimore Orioles threw an immaculate 7th inning in a loss to the Cleveland Indians Monday night. An immaculate inning is where a pitcher faces three hitters and strikes them out on three pitches each.

Kevin “Gausy” Gausman

If an immaculate inning sounds silly, that’s because it is. It’s not even all that impressive when you think about it. He had to throw a total of nine quality pitches to get the three outs. A much more impressive feat would have been if he got the three outs on three pitches. Baseball is a team sport and Gausman had eight other players helping him get outs. If Gausman somehow got each batter to pop up or ground out on the first pitch they faced, then I’d be impressed.

Three outs on three pitches. That would be immaculate, mother of Jesus type of stuff.

Jesus, son of Mary. Hates the New York Yankees.

The Orioles lost the game. Something they’re probably going to do a lot this season. This year’s squad has all the markings of a losing Orioles team. God knows I’ve seen enough of them since moving to Maryland in 1994.