Aziz Ansari needs to keep his creepy fingers to himself

Aziz Ansari, better known as Tom Haverford on one of my favorite TV shows of all time, Parks and Recreation, is a creep. And not just any kind of creep, he’s a sexual predator creep who’s like Harvey Weinstein more than he’s not.

That’s right. I’m comparing Aziz Ansari to Harvey Weinstein.

Aziz Ansari met the then 22-year-old woman at a 2017 Emmy Awards after-party. The two began talking because both were using 1980’s film-based cameras. A week after they met, they went on the date.

The date went pretty terrible. According to the woman who wrote about the date on, Ansari got overly sexually aggressive fairly quickly. After eating at an oyster bar on a historic wooden ship on the Hudson River, the two went back to his apartment two blocks away.

From the article:

They walked the two blocks back to his apartment building, an exclusive address on TriBeCa’s Franklin Street, where Taylor Swift has a place too. When they walked back in, she complimented his marble countertops. According to Grace, Ansari turned the compliment into an invitation.

“He said something along the lines of, ‘How about you hop up and take a seat?’” Within moments, he was kissing her. “In a second, his hand was on my breast.” Then he was undressing her, then he undressed himself. She remembers feeling uncomfortable at how quickly things escalated.

When Ansari told her he was going to grab a condom within minutes of their first kiss, Grace voiced her hesitation explicitly. “I said something like, ‘Whoa, let’s relax for a sec, let’s chill.’” She says he then resumed kissing her, briefly performed oral sex on her, and asked her to do the same thing to him. She did, but not for long. “It was really quick. Everything was pretty much touched and done within ten minutes of hooking up, except for actual sex.”

She says Ansari began making a move on her that he repeated during their encounter. “The move he kept doing was taking his two fingers in a V-shape and putting them in my mouth, in my throat to wet his fingers, because the moment he’d stick his fingers in my throat he’d go straight for my vagina and try to finger me.” Grace called the move “the claw.”

Ansari also physically pulled her hand towards his penis multiple times throughout the night, from the time he first kissed her on the countertop onward. “He probably moved my hand to his dick five to seven times,” she said. “He really kept doing it after I moved it away.”

But the main thing was that he wouldn’t let her move away from him. She compared the path they cut across his apartment to a football play. “It was 30 minutes of me getting up and moving and him following and sticking his fingers down my throat again. It was really repetitive. It felt like a fucking game.”

This “date” took place in 2017. So why is the victim of Aziz Ansari’s creepiness writing about this now?

Because of this photo from the very recent 2018 Golden Globes:

If you ever see a man wearing one of these pins, get no closer than 50 feet.

Aziz Ansari is wearing one of those pretentious #TimesUp pins on his lapel to show how much he’s against sexual harassment. As if you aren’t wearing one of these pins, you’re somehow for the sexual harassment of women. I’d never trust a man wearing one of these #TimesUp pins, just like I’d never trust a male feminist.

Like everyone else in attendance, Aziz Ansari was wearing black. Wearing all black at the 2018 Golden Globes showed you are against sexual harassment in Hollywood. Sure.

This is after he was chasing a woman around his apartment he barely knew trying to do the sexual version of the mandible claw on her.

The mandible claw. Mick Foley called Aziz. He wants his move back.

Aziz Ansari just assumed the young woman would be into whatever he wanted to do sexually because of who he is. He’s a famous sitcom actor and a standup comedian. He’s famous and his date was not. In Aziz Ansari’s relationship with the young woman, he was in the position of power and she was not. Of course, he can stick his fingers down her throat so that he can more easily stick them in her vagina.

What would you expect someone like him to do first, ask?

Aziz Ansari is not an attractive guy. He’s not the kind of guy who would normally have unfamiliar women wanting to have marble countertop sex with him on a first date. Aziz Ansari used his fame to be a predator with women. The same can be said for Harvey Weinstein. Harvey Weinstein is not an attractive man. He used his fame and power to be a predator with women.

Aziz Ansari and Harvey Weinstein. Two creeps cut from the same unattractive bolt of predator cloth.

Has every man on Earth suddenly gone full pervert?

All these weirdos are the reason normal people have to go to sexual harassment training.

I don’t understand what’s going on. I feel like I’m watching a bad episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit when I watch the evening news. It seems like every man in this country was told to go full pervert and someone forgot to tell me. I didn’t get the memo.

Harvey Weinstein

First, we found out film producer Harvey Weinstein was a massive sexual predator who used his position of power in Hollywood to force women to have sex with him.  Evidently, everyone in Hollywood knew he preyed upon women and nobody said anything. It was an “open secret,” whatever that means.

Kevin Spacey

Then, we found out Kevin Spacey tried to force himself on a 14-year-old boy when he was 26. Spacey issued a statement saying he doesn’t remember the incident but he was drinking a lot back then. Plus, he’s now officially gay.

If you can’t remember the time you tried to force yourself on a 14-year-old boy, it means you either have NFL level brain damage or you can’t remember because it was something you did all the time. After a while, all those 14-year-old boys just blur together, right? What a weirdo.

Roy Moore

Speaking of 14-year-olds, Judge Roy Moore, a hard-core Christian Republican running for the U.S. Senate in Alabama, is accused of trying to have sex with a 14-year-old girl when he was 32.

I bet he thinks he’s better than Kevin Spacey. He’s not.

If people are upset by this, the jokes on them. Judge Moore adheres to the Ten Commandments, not the laws of man. I just looked at the Ten Commandments. There’s not a word about having sex with 14-year-old girls, pro or con. Judge Moore is good to go and ready to rock the U.S. Senate.

I guess we now know the backstory of the gun Moore whipped out on stage at a rally. That little gun looked like something made for a 14-year-old girl. Maybe it was his girlfriend’s pistol.

Louis C.K.

And then there’s Louis C.K. He’s been accused of masturbating in front of non-consenting women. The story sounds so outlandish and depraved that it has to be true. Evidently, it too was an open secret.

This story bothers me the most because I was a fan of his comedy. No matter what happens from this point forward, I will never be able to laugh at his jokes again. There will be no possible resolution to this problem. He’s done making me laugh.

All these weirdos are the reason normal people have to go to sexual harassment training. When I worked in corporate America, it bothered me that I had to go annual sexual harassment training. I thought it was unnecessary and more than a little insulting. I didn’t need to be trained not to harass women just like I didn’t need to be trained not to kill people and eat their flesh.

I’m not a sexual harasser and I’m not a cannibal.

John Hillerman 1932 – 2017

John Hillerman is a man on the left.

I feel sorry for John Hillerman. He’s the actor who played Higgins on Magnum, P.I. He was such a master actor. Higgins was British and he sounded so snotty and refined, I just assumed has was British. Nope, he was from Texas. He was a Texan. That’s about as un-British as you can be.

John Hillerman died. He was 84. Because Louis C.K. literally can’t keep it in his pants, this is what I read on CNN this morning:

John Hillerman doesn’t deserve to have the word “masturbation” under the headline announcing his passing. John Hillerman was not a pervert.