Lando Calrissian is not ‘pansexual’

Lando Calrissian is a fictional character created for the Star Wars universe by creator George Lucas, The Empire Strikes Back director Irvin Kershner and actor Billy Dee Williams. The character is being played by actor Donald Glover in the upcoming Solo: A Star Wars Story, a standalone movie that takes place before Star Wars: A New Hope.

According to one of that film’s co-writers, Jonathan Kasdan, Lando is “pansexual.” What does pansexual mean? It means possessing a sexual desire or attraction not limited to sex, gender, or what a person is pretending to be. Men, women, men pretending to be women, women pretending to be men, etc. If you are pansexual, it means you’ll have sex with anybody or anything.

Essentially, it’s bisexuality on crack cocaine.

It’s also total bullshit. If Lando Calrissian is supposed to represent a type of sexuality so obscure, it’s not even covered by the LBGTQ initialism, it should have been established back in 1980 when The Empire Strikes Back was released. It should have been introduced along with the character. To introduce it now, just so the hack co-writer can virtue signal how woke he is is ridiculous.

It didn’t happen back then. I would have remembered reading about it in Starlog magazine. Of course, I wouldn’t have known what pansexuality was. I would have had to ride my ten speed over to the public library and hope there was an entry for it in the World Book Encyclopedia.

I didn’t even know what pansexuality was now at the ripened age of 53. I had to look it up on Wikipedia. That’s how weird it is.

Jonathan Kasdan

Jonathan Kasdan is a hack for even suggesting Lando Calrissian, a character he did not create, is pansexual. He obviously wants to score points with the social justice crowd. He should do it with his own characters, characters he creates himself. Not enough diversity in the Star Wars universe? Fine. Create your own space opera and fill it with characters representing all sorts of sexuality. Do that and let’s see how popular it becomes.

Lando Calrissian has been a cultural icon for 38 years. Nobody, I don’t care who or what they are, gets to change that icon into something strange and weird. Being sexually attracted to everything or anything is weird. What’s next, will some other woke hack writer try to score points by retconning Admiral Ackbar into being a pedophile?

The late great Admiral Ackbar. May he rest in peace.

Not on my watch. I’ll write my congressman.

Don’t conflate my opinion with pansexuality with my opinion on homosexuality. The two opinions are vastly different. I actually think being attracted to the same sex is completely natural and normal for some people. It’s just as natural and normal as being attracted to the opposite sex for most people. It’s why I voted in support of same-sex marriage here in Maryland back when it was still up to the individual states. I was proud when it passed. The Supreme Court then made the whole thing moot when they ruled that gays and lesbians had a right to marry just like everyone else.  Or as I like to think of it, the government doesn’t have a right to deny marriage rights to gay and lesbian couples. It’s none of the government’s business.

I already wasn’t too keen on seeing Solo: A Star Wars Story. The actor playing Han Solo, Alden Ehrenreich, doesn’t look or sound anything like Harrison Ford. I know what a young Harrison Ford looks like. I know what a young Harrison Ford sounds like. Alden Ehrenreich playing Han Solo seems like a major mistake in casting.

A young Harrison Ford.

Finding out that Solo: A Star Wars Story is secretly retconning Lando Calrissian into some sort of sexual deviant makes me want to skip it entirely. The only reason I wanted to see it was to watch Donald Glover as Lando. He looked to have the part down in the trailers. Alden Ehrenreich? Not so much.

Alden Ehrenreich

Donald Glover is kind of a tiny fella and Billy Dee Williams is at least a six-footer. I figured either Glover could act taller or they could make him taller the way they made the Hobbits shorter in the Lord of the Rings movies.

Harrison Ford is tall. I don’t know if Alden Ehrenreich is tall or short because I’ve never seen him in anything. Mostly that’s because he hasn’t been in anything.

Harrison Ford was 35 years old when Star Wars: A New Hope came out in 1977. Alden Ehrenreich is 28 years old, making it a seven-year age difference. If the movie is supposed to be about a young Han Solo, I guess it depends on what you classify as young.

If you ask me, they already made a young Han Solo movie. It’s called Star Wars: A New Hope and it came out in 1977.



What is with all the Kylo Ren merchandise?

To be honest, if I saw someone walking around wearing a Kylo Ren t-shirt, a part of me would want to punch them in the throat.

I finally got around to seeing Star Wars: The Force Awakens this past weekend. I enjoyed it. In fact, as I write this, I believe it’s the best Star Wars movie ever made.

I may change my mind about that after I allow more time to pass and I have more time to place things in proper context. It is better than those horrible prequel movies.

The one thing I do not understand about the Star Wars: The Force Awakens has nothing to do with the movie itself, but has to do with the marketing of the movie. Who decided to make Kylo Ren such a focal point of the merchandise?

Kylo Ren is a terrible, awful person. I am not going to give away any spoilers, but let me just say that because of what he did in the movie, Kylo Ren is my most hated character from the entire Star Wars universe, and that includes George the Lucas.

Kylo Ren is worse than the Stormtroopers who murdered Uncle Lars and Aunt Beru. Kylo Ren is worse than the Death Star crewmembers who destroyed Alderaan.

Kylo Ren is worse than any of them.

Why then would I want a t-shirt with the image of Kylo Ren on it? Why would I want a Star Wars calendar where three of the months feature a photo of Kylo Ren? Why would I want a Kylo Ren Funko Pop! figure?


To be honest, if I saw someone walking around wearing a Kylo Ren t-shirt, a part of me would want to punch them in the throat.

So no, I do not want any Kylo Ren merch because I watched the movie. I not only got choked up in the theater when Kylo Ren did what he did, I almost get choked up even now just thinking about it.

Why would Chewbacca have a name he cannot pronounce?

A Facebook discussion yesterday on the merits of Star Wars reminded me of something that’s bothered me for years: why can’t Chewbacca pronounce his own name? More specifically, why would he even have a name he cannot pronounce? Not only can’t Chewbacca pronounce his own name, Wookies, the race Chewbacca comes from, cannot even say the word Wookie.

It just doesn’t make any sense. Granted, it’s a fictional universe where sound travels in space and Jedi Knights can make inanimate objects float through the air with their minds. I get the fact that it’s all silly make-believe. I just don’t think there’s ever been a fictional character in any medium that’s had a name they personally cannot pronounce.

Chewbacca is an intelligent being

Who would have a name they are incapable of pronouncing? It’s as though Han Solo gave him the name like a person would with a dog or a cat. The difference is that Wookies are intelligent creatures with their own language and culture. Granted, their language sounds like the noise a mentally retarded Irish Setter would make if it snorted crystal meth, but it’s still a language. I guess. Chewbacca is a sentient creature that can navigate and pilot a starship, play three-dimensional battle chess with a druid, and shoot a Bowcaster.

How does Chewbacca introduce himself to others?  How does he tell people where he’s from? I just don’t get it.