I’ll see you your Jesus hammer and raise you a Zeus knife

As far as weapons of the gods are concerned, everyone is familiar with Jesus’ hammer. As a former carpenter, Jesus knew how to swing a hammer. Upon hearing his battle cry, “Time to pound the wood,” most of his opponents would sinch up their robes and run for the hills. You know all about this if you’ve ever attended First Assembly of God Sunday School or Vacation Bible School.

What you probably didn’t know is that Zeus’ favorite hand weapon was a special knife, the Zeus knife. The good people at Think Geek have reproduced the Zeus knife out of stainless steel, just like the original Zeus knife. It can be yours for only $59.99.

I'll see you your Jesus hammer and raise you a Zeus knife - Bent Corner
The Zeus knife.

Check out these specs:

  • A ThinkGeek exclusive, custom designed for us
  • Wicked jagged blade inspired by the thunderbolt
  • Handle modeled on Doric columns
  • Comes with a leather sheath with a 2″ belt loop and a snap that features the great seal of the state of Oklahoma
  • (Greek for thunderbolt) laser engraved on the blade
  • Materials: Stainless steel
  • Dimensions:
    • Blade Length: 9 3/4″
    • Total Length: 15″
  • Weight: 1.9 lbs. unsheathed

I especially like how the leather sheath features the “great” seal of the state of Oklahoma. In other words, it’s highly authentic. I’ve been to Oklahoma. I found nothing great about it.

How does Zeus’ knife compare to Jesus’ hammer?

Reading the New Testament, it doesn’t appear Jesus ever squared off against Zeus. Then again, the New Testament is based on ancient Greek manuscripts, and Zeus was a Greek god. It’s completely possible the Greeks writing the original manuscripts left out the part about Jesus fighting Zeus, most likely because Jesus won and Zeus suffered a humiliating defeat. Remember, not only did Jesus know how to use a hammer, he also had the ability to heal himself. If you’ve ever played World of Warcraft, you realize what a massive benefit this was to our Lord and Saviour.

I plan on adding this knife to my collection of weapons of the gods. I already have a Jesus hammer, Buddha nunchucks, a Muhammad camel whip, and a replica Joseph Smith’s golden wife collector. It’s a contraption that was used by Smith to capture prospective wives. It looks much like the capture stick used on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom to capture gazelles, but it was made of gold and designed to capture 14-year-old girls.

That’s how Joseph Smith rolled.

I’ve always wanted to add something to my collection from Scientology’s L. Ron Hubbard. Unfortunately, he never used a hand weapon. I decided to acquire a replica of his toothbrush, but it turned out he never used one. Have you ever seen L. Ron Hubbard’s teeth?

I'll see you your Jesus hammer and raise you a Zeus knife - Bent Corner
L. Ron Hubbard

Not only are Scientologists against using depression and anxiety medications, but they must also be against using Crest Tartar Control toothpaste.