Stop mass shootings by federalizing the power of prayer

Stop mass shootings by federalizing the power of prayer - Bent Corner

One way to stop mass shootings in this country that doesn’t require new gun control laws is to harness the power of prayer. You hear a lot of people, especially Republicans, talk about “thoughts and prayers” after a mass shooting. What if the “thoughts and prayers” took place before a mass shooting?

My idea is to create a branch of Homeland Security that would be responsible for creating a constant federalized prayer vigil against mass shootings. Federal agents across the country would engage in prayer, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, asking Jesus to stop people like Nikolas Cruz from walking into a school with a legally acquired assault weapon and murdering 17 people, most of them children.

It’s based on common sense. The time to ask Jesus for help is before a problem happens, not afterward.

I would call this agency Jesus Make it Stop, JMIS for short, pronounced “jay miss.”

Stop mass shootings by federalizing the power of prayer - Bent Corner
Dramatization of a Jesus Make it Stop (JMIS) federal agent performing his duty.

Agents for JMIS would be selected from churches from all over the country. To be considered for JMIS, a person would need to be nominated by their pastor. This will ensure only people who have a reputation as strong, powerful prayers will be considered for service in JMIS. Plus, the pastor would know if the person was up to date on their tithes and offerings. You don’t want someone in JMIS who has been stiffing God on his ten percent.

Needless to say, divorced people, gays, Catholics, Democrats, and Mormons would be excluded from JMIS. It would send the wrong message to have people like that as sworn federal agents asking Jesus for his help. The goal is to stop mass shootings, not cause more of them.

I’d like to see the Trump administration get working on creating JMIS right away. Ideally, President Trump would be hands-off with the creation of the JMIS agency. Anyone who pays a porn actress to have sex with him should stay clear of JMIS.

Stop mass shootings by federalizing the power of prayer - Bent Corner
Man of God and vice president of the United States, Mike Pence.

I would put Vice President Mike Pence in charge for creating the agency. He’s a bonafide man of God and a strong, powerful prayer. Word has it that he can pray the gay out of people. That’s powerful.

Mike Pence could then enlist the help of other men of God in creating JMIS, men like Joel Osteen. Pastor Osteen could be Vice President Pence’s number two. When people think of Joel Osteen, number two often comes to mind.

Stop mass shootings by federalizing the power of prayer - Bent Corner
It’s kind of hard to tell with all the botox and plastic surgery, but this is Joel Osteen on the cover of his latest book, “Blessed in the Darkness.” It features advice and wisdom he forgot to include in any of his other 14 books.

Pastor Osteen presides over a church the size of an NBA basketball arena and he’s always writing books on living a Godly life that are sold at Walmart, Sam’s Club, and other fine retailers. Pastor Osteen would make a perfect addition to the JMIS formation team.

I would also include that guy who built that creation museum in Northern Kentucky, the one with the life-size Noah’s Ark. Rounding out the JMIS formation team would be Kirk Cameron and the one Baldwin brother who’s a born-again Christian.

The least successful one.

If the Jesus Make it Stop federal agency is as successful as I believe it will be, it will allow us to relax the gun control laws we already have. It’s no secret that one of my dreams is to one day own a working bazooka.

Stop mass shootings by federalizing the power of prayer - Bent Corner

For some reason, current gun control laws don’t allow the personal ownership of working bazookas. Hopefully, with JMIS, that will change.

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