I’ll see you your Jesus hammer and raise you a Zeus knife

As far as weapons of the gods are concerned, everyone is familiar with Jesus’ hammer. As a former carpenter, Jesus knew how to swing a hammer. Upon hearing his battle cry, “Time to pound the wood,” most of his opponents would sinch up their robes and run for the hills. You know all about this if you’ve ever attended First Assembly of God Sunday School or Vacation Bible School.

What you probably didn’t know is that Zeus’ favorite hand weapon was a special knife, the Zeus knife. The good people at Think Geek have reproduced the Zeus knife out of stainless steel, just like the original Zeus knife. It can be yours for only $59.99.

I'll see you your Jesus hammer and raise you a Zeus knife - Bent Corner
The Zeus knife.

Check out these specs:

  • A ThinkGeek exclusive, custom designed for us
  • Wicked jagged blade inspired by the thunderbolt
  • Handle modeled on Doric columns
  • Comes with a leather sheath with a 2″ belt loop and a snap that features the great seal of the state of Oklahoma
  • (Greek for thunderbolt) laser engraved on the blade
  • Materials: Stainless steel
  • Dimensions:
    • Blade Length: 9 3/4″
    • Total Length: 15″
  • Weight: 1.9 lbs. unsheathed

I especially like how the leather sheath features the “great” seal of the state of Oklahoma. In other words, it’s highly authentic. I’ve been to Oklahoma. I found nothing great about it.

How does Zeus’ knife compare to Jesus’ hammer?

Reading the New Testament, it doesn’t appear Jesus ever squared off against Zeus. Then again, the New Testament is based on ancient Greek manuscripts, and Zeus was a Greek god. It’s completely possible the Greeks writing the original manuscripts left out the part about Jesus fighting Zeus, most likely because Jesus won and Zeus suffered a humiliating defeat. Remember, not only did Jesus know how to use a hammer, he also had the ability to heal himself. If you’ve ever played World of Warcraft, you realize what a massive benefit this was to our Lord and Saviour.

I plan on adding this knife to my collection of weapons of the gods. I already have a Jesus hammer, Buddha nunchucks, a Muhammad camel whip, and a replica Joseph Smith’s golden wife collector. It’s a contraption that was used by Smith to capture prospective wives. It looks much like the capture stick used on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom to capture gazelles, but it was made of gold and designed to capture 14-year-old girls.

That’s how Joseph Smith rolled.

I’ve always wanted to add something to my collection from Scientology’s L. Ron Hubbard. Unfortunately, he never used a hand weapon. I decided to acquire a replica of his toothbrush, but it turned out he never used one. Have you ever seen L. Ron Hubbard’s teeth?

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L. Ron Hubbard

Not only are Scientologists against using depression and anxiety medications, but they must also be against using Crest Tartar Control toothpaste.

Happy Easter and/or April’s Fool’s Day

Today is Easter, the day Jesus Christ arose from his tomb after dying for everyone’s sins. Your sins, your mother’s sins, even Jimmy Buffett’s sins. We’re talking everyone’s sins. All someone has to do to have their sins forgiven is to ask. Not the person who was the victim of their sin, but Jesus.

All you have to do is ask Jesus to forgive your sins. He’s the one who paid for the sins by dying on the Roman cross, so it kind of makes sense when you think about it. He paid for all sins you committed in the past, the present, or the future.

If you do ask Jesus to forgive your sins, you’re good. You’ll go to Heaven as soon as you shuffle off this mortal coil. If you fail to ask Jesus to forgive your sins, you’re going straight to Hell. That’s where the Devil lives.

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The Devil. Also known as Satan. Some even call him Lucifer.

The way the system works, it doesn’t matter what type of person you’ve been on this earth. You could live the best possible life, helping those in need and choosing to always do the right thing. If you don’t ask Jesus to forgive your sins, you’re spending eternity in a giant lake of fire.

On the other hand, you can be one of history’s biggest monsters and if you ask Jesus to forgive you for everything you’ve ever done, you’re going to Heaven. That means if Adolf Hitler asked Jesus to forgive him of his sins two seconds before Eva Braun shot him in the head, Hitler went to heaven.

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Statue of Adolf Hitler praying.

That’s just the way the religion works. Hitler might be in Heaven. It all depends on whether he asked or not. Plus, Hitler was Catholic. It wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibilities to imagine Hitler praying to Jesus before he died.

If you don’t like that, take it up with Jesus. He’s the one who set up the parameters used to determine who goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell.

Today is also April Fool’s Day. It’s the one day a year unfunny people attempt to be funny by making up something stupid and passing it off as the truth. In other words, it’s the one day a year people act like Fox News. If you fall for it, you’re the fool. I greatly hate April Fool’s Day and those who participate in it.

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When the Internet first started, April Fool’s Day was bad. As time went on, I think more and more people realized how stupid the whole thing was and decided not to engage in its foolery. Good.

I don’t know why Easter and April Fool’s Day are on the same day this year. I’m not a calendar scientist, so I don’t have an explanation. I know Easter floats around on different days each year while April Fool’s Day is locked onto the first of April. If you have a problem with both Easter and April Fool’s Day falling on the same day this year, blame Easter. It’s the one that can’t commit to a single day.

 

The Ariana Grande Wacky Package sticker

I bought a pack of 2017 Wacky Packages 50th Anniversary stickers today at Target. Don’t judge. I went through them when I got home and when I saw the one featuring pop singer Ariana Grande on Starbucks’ inspired coffee cup, I thought Topps, the publisher of Wacky Packages, probably wishes they could have a do over.

How were they supposed to know that Islamists would use an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester, England to commit an act of terror?

At the very least, whoever approved this sticker probably wishes the words “More bang bang for your buck” weren’t included on the sticker. Twenty-three people were killed as a result of an improvised bomb detonated by a British-Muslim terrorist.

The sticker is supposed to be a play on the word Grande, the singer’s last name and the word Starbucks insists on using to indicate large cup of coffee.

Islamist terror attack in London kills seven, injures 48

Three Islamists killed seven people and wounded another 48 last night in England’s capital city. The attack involved ramming a fast-moving vehicle into pedestrians on the London Bridge.

The three Islamists then left their vehicle. All three were wearing what turned out to be fake suicide vests. They then began stabbing people in nearby bars and restaurants.Continue Reading

Christmas Satanic symbol causes outrage

The city of Boca Raton is allowing religious groups to erect displays promoting their chosen religion at Sanborn Square, an area owned by the city.  Included in the displays is a Satanic symbol. It honors Satan, former angel and enemy number one in the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim faiths. It turns out, some people in Boca Raton have a problem with the Satanic symbol displayed near a Christmas nativity scene.

The pentagram display was put up by Preston Smith. He obtained a permit to erect the display. The pentagram display is located near a nativity scene, depicting the birth of Jesus Christ. Along with the pentagram is a banner provided by the Freedom from Religion Foundation.

The banner reads:

At this season of the Winter Solstice, we celebrate the Birth of the Unconquered Sun — the TRUE reason for the season. As Americans, let us also honor the birth of our Bill of Rights, which reminds us there can be no freedom OF religion, without freedom FROM religion in government.

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Merry Christmas!

The first night the pentagram and accompanying banner were erected in Sanborn Square, someone armed with spray paint vandalized them. How surprising that someone or someones in Florida spray painted over a banner that promoted the Bill of Rights, one of our most treasured documents. I wonder, what offended them more: the Satanic symbol or the Bill of Rights?

The mayor of Boca Raton and area clergy are pretty upset over the Satanic display. Pastor Andrew Sherman with the Boca Raton Interfaith Clergy Association said:

They’re using a religious symbol and an inflammatory one at that, a Satanic symbol, to make their point. And we felt it was hypocritical and shameful.

Hypocritical and shameful? How so?

When asked about the vandalism, Pastor Sherman had this to say:

This was deliberately provocative and I’m not surprised it provoked a reaction even though I completely reject that reaction.

Sure. I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if the good Pastor Sherman had spray paint stains on his index fingers.

Preston Smith believes the act of vandalism is a hate crime. He issued the following statement:

I have filed a police report with BRPD for this hate crime, which only proves that religion and government don’t mix.  The Freedom From Religion Foundation is offering a monetary reward for info leading to the arrest and conviction of the perpetrator(s).  FFRF is also sending replacement banners via overnight delivery.  Freethinkers have been targeted for thousands of years by religious folks, although counter-viewpoints are becoming more visible as this nation’s demographics shift away from organized religion.  We will not be silenced by the those who fear freedom of speech in America.  We will not be persecuted by religious zealots intolerant of diverse viewpoints.  We are not going away, but are instead ready to make this an annual tradition.  The Constitution protects the minority from the tyranny of the majority.  The mayor and city council should immediately take notice — public parks must be free from all ancient myths and superstitions in order to preserve the well-being of the community at large.

I agree with Preston Smith. It was a hate crime.

Our Founding Fathers might have been slave-owning assholes, but they were correct when it came to the First Amendment. I love a good nativity scene, but it has no place on taxpayer-funded property. If you’re going to allow religious displays on public land, you’re going to have to allow all religious displays.

Somali refugee kills one and wounds 11 at Ohio State University

Abdul Razak Ali Artan, an 18-year-old Somali refugee, used a car and a butcher knife to attack students at Ohio State University. Artan killed one person and wounded 11 in the attack.

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American hero Alan Horujko

Artan first used a silver Honda to plow into people, then he got out and began attacking others with a butcher knife. He was then promptly shot and killed by OSU Police Officer Alan Horujko, a genuine American hero.

Artan and his family fled Somali in 2007 for Pakistan. I’m not sure how that’s an upgrade. Somali and Pakistan are both on my list of places I don’t ever want to visit.

Artan then moved to the United States in 2014 and was granted refugee status.

A refugee from what? Somali, a place he hadn’t lived in since he was nine? He came here from Pakistan, a country far more hospitable to his particular religious sensibilities than the United States.

He first attended Columbus State Community College for two years, earning an associate degree, before transferring to Ohio State University. If he was 18, that means he was 16 when he came to the United States and began community college.

This past August, Artan was featured in the OSU student newspaper, the Ohio State Lantern. In it, he complained about not having prayer rooms on campus and how people look at Muslims.

He said:

I just transferred from Columbus State. We had prayer rooms, like actual rooms where we could go pray because we Muslims have to pray five times a day. There’s Fajr, which is early in the morning, at dawn. Then Zuhr during the daytime, then Asr in the evening, like right about now. And then Maghrib, which is like right at sunset and then Isha at night. I wanted to pray Asr. I mean, I’m new here. This is my first day. This place is huge, and I don’t even know where to pray. I wanted to pray in the open, but I was scared with everything going on in the media. I’m a Muslim, it’s not what the media portrays me to be. If people look at me, a Muslim praying, I don’t know what they’re going to think, what’s going to happen. But, I don’t blame them. It’s the media that put that picture in their heads so they’re just going to have it and it, it’s going to make them feel uncomfortable. I was kind of scared right now. But I just did it. I relied on God. I went over to the corner and just prayed.

His first day at Ohio State University and he complained about not having special prayer rooms and how the media portrays Muslims.

What an asshole.

It’s not the media that paints an unfair picture of Muslims. Muslims paint their own picture. Whether it’s unfair or not depends greatly on your perspective. I imagine the family members of the person killed yesterday are thinking the negative reputation Islam has is pretty accurate.

Now that he’s dead, it will be interesting to see what happens to his corpse. If his remains are treated like all the other terrorists who’ve killed Americans on American soil, he’ll get a nice burial at a normal, non-radical Muslim cemetery. His body will be buried next to other Muslims. For years, his family and other people will be able to visit his grave and pay their respects.

Abdul Razak Ali Artan deserves no respect. He was a terrorist. There should be a law against the burial of terrorists on U.S. soil. Instead of releasing his body to his family, it should be taken out to international waters and dumped at sea.