U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that the nation faces a heightened chance of an attack this summer. Not because he knows of any credible intelligence that points to that. No, because he feels it in his large intestines.
“Summertime seems to be appealing to them,” he said of al-Qaeda. “We do worry that they are rebuilding their activities.”
Still, Chertoff said there are not enough indications of an imminent plot to raise the current threat levels nationwide. And he indicated that his remarks were based on “a gut feeling” formed by past seasonal patterns of terrorist attacks, recent al-Qaeda statements, and intelligence he did not disclose.
Don’t just sit there. Go grab some duct tape and save yourself! It’s summertime and Michael Chertoff’s bowels are talking!
To be fair, his bowels might be right. Homeland Security officials spend quite a bit of time talk out their asses, so his bowels might be very knowledgeable.