Saturday, February 24, 2007
Britney Spears umbrella attacks on the rise
Police are reporting a significant increase in Britney Spears umbrella attacks. The first attack happened in front of the home of hip hop superstar Kevin Federline. The victims of this unprovoked umbrella attack were professional photographers who just happened to be in the neighborhood on a totally unrelated matter.
Since this initial Britney Spears umbrella attack, dozens of people have reported similar attacks. Though the time of day and the locations differ, the attacks all have a very similar theme. Britney Spears jumps out from a hiding place and attacks with her umbrella.
Police have tried to find a pattern to her umbrella attacks. So far, they have been unsuccessful discovering anything that will lead them to identifying a pattern to the Britney Spears umbrella attacks.
They have discovered though that Britney Spears is not the first to use the umbrella as a weapon. There was actually someone before Britney Spears who used the umbrella to cause harm.
It’s important to note that this person used his umbrella differently then Britney Spears. This person used his umbrella to fire knockout gas out of the special tip. He didn’t bludgeon or spear anyone if you will with it like Britney.
So far Britney Spears has not attacked anyone with gas.
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I guess this disproves my theory that her bald head was a step toward Shaolin enlightenment.